How We Shared the News

This was a very touchy subject. It's so hard to keep something so huge a secret, but in the event that something unfortunate happens, you don't wan't the whole world to know about it.

After some debate, Paul and I decided that we were going to tell his parents on Christmas Day, my extended family on Christmas Eve, and my parents on the day the test results came back.

Back in September, I had seen a little onesie in the newborn section on Kohl's that said "I <3 my auntie." It was pink and blue with purple letters and I thought, "when I find out I'm pregnant, this is going to be how I tell my sister." In November, when I thought I was pregnant, I packed it up all ready to go, until I got the test results back. When I got home, I hid that onesie all the way in the back of the closet. This time, it was so different. I didn't even take it out of the closet until that morning of the blood test. I was so skeptical.  I wrapped it up on Tuesday (since we didn't hear back from the doctor until then) and I texted my sister to tell her that I had found a Birthday gift I had bought her months ago but totally forgot about it. I told her I would bring it by later on in the afternoon.

So I went to my parents house to meet my sister at around 5:30. Paul also had something to give my sister, as if it wasn't strange enough that I was there, but I thought that if both of us showed up it would totally give it away. I actually kept the lies going pretty well. I don't know how I did it, since I am the world's worst liar. When she got in, she dilly dallied, as usual, harassed me about hearing back from the doctor, to which I lied again, then finally went towards the "Sephora" bag which is what I wrapped the onesie in. Of course my sister had to smell the bag, shake the bag, and feel the bag before opening it. She asked if she could wear it, so I said yes. She said "oh whatever this is it's way too small." She opened it up and started laughing, saying "This is funny. It's a joke right?" And I just kept shaking my head and saying no. She kept laughing and she looked at Paul, it was then that she finally realized (only after he confirmed it of course) that it was for real. She started crying and shrieking, and immediately pronounced that the baby growing in my uterus is a girl (it could be nothing else according to her.)

Paul had to go but my mom arrived home after 6:30. My sister threw the onesie on her chest and when she came around the corner of the kitchen I said "Hi Grandma." More crying ensued. It was quite funny and touching at the same time. I had to wait until Christmas Eve to tell my dad because he works nights and I didn't want to call him and tell him at work. So on Christmas Eve morning before I went to pick up my antipasto at Bucci's (love Bucci's!) I swung by the house and when I saw my dad I hugged him and said "Hi.......Grandpa." It took him a few seconds to process it, and he responded with his infamous "what?" like we knew he would, then the tears continued....it was the announcement to the extended family that I would have to make later that was making me nervous.

Christmas Eve is our big family celebration. We had it at my aunt Patricia's house this year (my mom's older sister). I was so nervous the entire time. I felt bloated and disgusting. I wore a pashmina to cover my baby bloat and I felt like people were looking at me. My family is so loud and crazy and it was nearly impossible to get everyone in the same room to make the big announcement. My sister and I couldn't think of a clever and non-obvious way to tell everyone and we didn't want to wait until we opened presents to share the news, so I figured once everyone was in the same room we would just announce it. This was proving to be nearly impossible. I was so nervous I was shaking. I was exhausted and I couldn't relax. It took about 90 minutes and my mom and sister pestering me with "when are you going to do it?!" nearly 600 times before my mom decided to herd everyone into the living room. It got quiet all of a sudden and everyone was looking at us and I just said "okay, we are having a baby!"

All I remember was lots and lots and LOTS of screaming. Some of my aunts were crying, my grandmother had no clue what was going on....someone had to actually explain it to her (and she's really not old or senile-PLEASE-she was flipping because she said I'm too young to have babies-okay grandma.) So then the questions came....when are you due? Do you know what it is? What are you naming it? Do you want a boy or a girl? And that's just the beginning. I was just happy we had finally told everyone and it was time to relax...until the next day.

On Christmas Day, Paul and I host his parents, his sister, Mary, and her boyfriend Jeff.  I was so tired from the night before and had to get everything ready in time for a dinner at 4:00. Paul's idea was to put place cards on the table that said "mother" "father" "grandmother" "grandfather" etc. I told him they were going to get confused but he "shushed" me. I wasn't too fond of this idea because we would have to wait until dinner to reveal the big secret. Another evening of being anxious (and cranky-I wanted to eat the soppresatta on that antipasto plate from Buccis and I wasn't allowed!) Finally it was time for dinner, and just had I suspected, my mother in law went to sit at the "mother" place setting, until Mary said "no, mom, I think you need to look closer." After walking around the table and reading the other cards my MIL looked at me and said "Does this have something to do with the dogs?" ::Sigh:: At that point, I felt it necessary to just kind of tell her and they were very excited (no screaming at this dinner, though, we exceeded the scream limit the night before). We shared the news with Paul's brother, George, on Tuesday, when he came to drop some gifts off. Paul called him "uncle George" and that quick brother in law of mine caught on. Everyone was thrilled....now it's just going to be a challenge to keep it a secret for the next few weeks, especially at work!

Christmas Eve, right before or after the big announcement (looking exhausted)

 

The Best Christmas Gift Ever

Our Christmas present came a little early this year. It's one that we have been waiting 16 long, emotional months for....

We are having a baby.

I still can't get used to saying that. I still can't believe that when I took a home pregnancy test (or actually when I took 6 home pregnancy tests) that they all said positive. I couldn't believe the message the doctor left on my voice mail saying "congratulations! you are pregnant." It's so surreal to me, but at the same time I want to live in this moment, this state of bliss, forever.

Getting to this point wasn't easy...

In September of 2009, Paul and I decided we were going to start trying. I knew from the beginning that we were going to have problems because when I didn't take birth control, I never got a period. We tried on and off for over a year. It was an emotional roller coaster ride. There were months where my period wouldn't come (as usual) and I prayed so hard that it would be my moment, all to have it come crashing down...month after month. It put a terrible strain on our marriage and after much consideration, we decided to talk to someone and get things straightened out.

In August of 2010, my (former) OBGYN, put me on 50 mg of clomid and told me to use ovulation predictor kits as a way of tracking my cycle. With very little guidance (and to make a long story short), I found myself with several false positive ovulation kits, no real way to monitor my cycle, and several weeks later, I wound up in the emergency room with hemorrhaging cysts on my left ovary (perhaps caused by the medication). It felt like the end of the world, but I knew I had to make a change. I was not working with the right doctors. There was something wrong with my body and I needed to find the right people for me. After putting a call to my OBGYN about my ER visit, I come to find out that she wouldn't be available for another 3 days, since this incident occurred on Thursday. I decided it was time to try a doctor up by my house affiliated with the hospital I had gone to. He was wonderful and since I didn't hear from my other doctor for 8 days, I thought maybe this was meant to happen...I had found myself a new doctor.

While all of this was going on, I was doing some research on Reproductive Endocrinologists in our area. I spent hours online researching different groups and doctors. I started by looking at patient reviews, but when I found that most of the doctors who had all favorable reviews didn't take my insurance, I had to change my plan of action and do some research on which doctors my insurance takes. I found a group in Connecticut that has satellite offices in New York. The Reproductive Medicine Associates of Connecticut is a group of 4 Reproductive Endocrinologists that specializes in Infertility. After perusing around the internet, I had a feeling that these were the doctors for me. I called, made an initial appointment and waited what felt like forever for my appointment.

October 4th finally arrived. When I met my doctor, Dr. Hurwitz, I immediately knew we had come to the right place. He was so smart and informative. He answered questions and explained everything. His staff was amazing. It was then that I turned into what I'd like to call a "human pin cushion." I underwent an insane amounts of blood tests, ultrasounds, and, the worst of all, an HSG test. This is the test that women go in for that they "blow open" your Fallopian Tubes to make sure there are no blockages. Holy pain. I will never forget the 14 tubes of blood the lab tech took that first day. Even though all these tests were painful and took a lot out of me (and Paul too-he had lots of labs and tests done as well!) I knew it would all be worth it because I would have answers. Dr. Hurwitz found that I have a mild case of PCOS, which causes annovulatory cycles and  lack of menstruation,  among other things. He explained that this would be an easy fix and he had no doubt that I would be pregnant soon. I had answers and I was happy.

I began my first treatment cycle in October. I would take 100 MG of Clomid cycle days 3-7 and go for ultrasounds and blood work every other day. When they would see on the Ultrasounds that my follicles were ready, I would have to give myself an injection on an HCG hormone (which induces ovulation). 36 hours after, I would go to the office for an IUI (intrauterine insemination). We did all of that my first cycle. The worst part of the whole thing was watching Paul give me the injection and the waiting. The 2 weeks of waiting between the IUI and finding out the results of the blood work was painful (literally and figuratively). I am the most impatient person in the world, and if this experience has taught me anything, it's patience. During this 2 week wait, I analyzed and noticed every ache, pain, pinch, and twinge I felt in my body. I was totally sure that it had worked and I would be pregnant! It was finally going to happen! All of this came to an abrupt halt on November 19th, when the PA called to tell me that the results came back negative...and, to make matters worse, later on that day, I got my period.

That night, we went out for sushi and I had some wine....two things I would not have been able to do if the test had been positive. I cried a little and decided to start a new treatment cycle immediately. I learned that I needed to be aggressive and keep on pushing for what I had wanted so desperately. It was going to happen. Even though I didn't know when or how, I knew it would happen.....

I started my second treatment cycle on November 20th. I took Clomid 100 MG cycle days 3-7 again however this time I only had an ultrasound and blood work on day 3. I wouldn't have another one until Day 11. I thought this was unusual but I knew the doctors knew what they were doing. I took my meds like usual and on the morning of my day 11 ultrasound, I woke up to find an e-mail from my PA in Fishkill. She, ironically, was pregnant and due in a couple of weeks. She was put on bed rest and could no longer see patients. My only two options were either to stop monitoring and try on our own or go to Danbury before work for monitoring. I stood there stunned at what was happening. I started to panic. If I drive to Danbury, I'd have to leave at 6 to be there by 6:50 and I'd have to be back out on the road to work by 7:20 to get to work by 8:30. I was in a panic and I couldn't think. Something in my gut told me that I needed to drive to Danbury that morning. I needed to go for this. So that is what I did. On that morning, Tuesday, November 30, I had my ultrasound and blood work done in Danbury. The medication was working but I'd have to go back on Friday for another round of tests.

On December 3, I went back to Danbury to find on my ultrasound that I had 3 nice, large follicles that were ready for the injections. To my surprise, the doctor was going to have a nurse give me the injection right in the office (thank goodness). It's a good thing I packed it! During this cycle I would have 2 IUIs back to back on Saturday, December 4 and Sunday, December 5. I was going out with my girlfriends that night, we were going to have a great time, and I was so relaxed. I had a good feeling about this....

On Saturday, Paul and I got up at 5 am to be in Norwalk, CT by 7:30 am. It was a long ride but I was very excited. This was an office I had never been to before but it was the RMA "headquarters" so to speak. What a fantastic facility! I was very surprised to see how bustling it was so early in the morning. It almost put me at ease to see how many other people actually have to go through this too (not that I would wish this on anyone, but it helped me to feel as though I wasn't alone.)  Paul had to do his "business" first. We went to breakfast afterwards and went back for the IUI.

When we arrived back, they called me into the procedure room, where Dr. Leondires (I like to call him McDreamy) performed my IUI. He liked my softy nap socks. I told him that if I have to strip down in a cold procedure room, I might as well wear warm socks and have warm feet. He laughed. I bet him a pair of socks that if he got me pregnant, I would owe him a pair of socks. Nothing like bribing and/or flirting with the amazingly gorgeous doctor putting your husband's sperm in your body! (only me) We did this again the following day and after the 2nd procedure I joined my family to celebrate my sisters birthday and to pick a Christmas tree at Stew Leonard's. There was nothing left to do but wait.

As the days went on, I felt less and less hopeful. By the end of the 1st week of waiting, I had given up. I didn't feel anything, I had no cramps, my breasts weren't sore. I was convinced that this cycle was not happening and I just gave up on it. I stopped thinking about it. I stopped wondering about it. However that piece of paper hanging from the calendar in my kitchen, with the HCG Beta blood test orders for December 20 reminded me everyday that this was happening. All I could think was, "Great, more blood work 4 days before Christmas to tell me that I'm not pregnant, then I'll probably get my period for Christmas. What a way to spend the holidays."

That week, on Wednesday, December 15th, we had a baby shower for a very good friend of mine at work. I cried before the shower and after I called and cried to one of the counselors at RMA, sobbing that I knew this cycle hadn't worked. She reassured me that everything would work out and that we wouldn't know for sure for a few days. I wasn't convinced. I hung up feeling defeated and even began looking into IVF. On Friday, December 17, I called the doctor's office again and asked if I could take a home pregnancy test over the weekend because I just wanted to know that it was negative so I can start to move on with my life and focus on the holidays (which were a very good distraction to this point!) The patient coordinator said I should take an HPT but no matter what the results were I should still go for the blood work.

On Saturday, December 18, I woke up and dug through my closet to find the pregnancy test my roommate Jillian had given me when I went to visit her in October. Jill is pregnant and gave me her extra digital test she had because they cost a lot of money. She was hoping that maybe it would bring me good luck. I reluctantly dragged myself into the bathroom, peed in the little jar that I so often would do, and stuck the stick in for about 10 seconds. I threw the cap on the test and tossed it onto my nightstand. I didn't even want to look at what it was going to flash "not pregnant" like always. I just got back into bed and started to play with the dogs. Paul was sleeping in the guest room because he had been sick with some kind of terrible virus. I went to go pick one of the dogs up off the floor when I happened to glance at the test on my night stand.

And there, before my very eyes, flashed the words PREGNANT on that little screen. A word that I had never seen on what seemed like several hundreds of tests I have taken over the last 16 months of my life. It couldn't be true. There was no way this was real. I grabbed the test off the nightstand and ran screaming into the guest room. Unable to control my emotions, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak. I was just sobbing as I showed Paul the test. I think I scared him because I was hysterical. Once I got control of myself, I quickly rushed to Walmart where I proceeded to buy $75 worth of pregnancy tests. Apparently everyone in the world is pregnant because my options were extremely limited. Nonetheless, I bought 6 new tests, digital, strips, you name it.

I came home to take 2 more tests. One of those cheapies with the lines and another digital both showed positive results. I had convinced myself that these were fake. That there was residual hormones in my body from the HCG shot and that I would take another test on Sunday and it would be negative. I couldn't tell anyone about this....

Sunday came around. I peed. I looked. It was positive. I still was in a state of disbelief. "Monday's blood test will prove that this isn't real." I thought. Monday morning I got up and went to the (disgusting) Quest Lab in Fishkill (after taking another pee test of course, which was positive). It was starting to become more and more real to me now because I hadn't gotten a period and I was starting to feel sore.

I stalked my doctors all day, but to no avail. The test results wouldn't be returned until Tuesday. It was a long night of waiting and hoping. On Tuesday morning, I got the call from Kathleen, Dr. Hurwitz's nurse. I was pregnant.

I'm still in a state of shock and disbelief. We have been through so much and for this to happen during Christmas time is just icing on the cake. It truly was the best Christmas gift ever. One that I don't think anything can top.