Before I became pregnant, I always tended to be a thinker....I totally over thought things and analyzed everything way too much. Apparently, as a pregnant person, it only becomes worse because now there are so many new and unexpected things to notice, think, and even worry about.
I always wonder about what he will look like. Will he have dark hair and skin like me? Will he have light eyes like Paul? Will he be tall and thin like his daddy or will he be a little meatball like his momma? I wonder what his personality will be like. Will be be even tempered and patient like his dad or a loud ball of thunder like his momma? (God help us all) I wonder what he will like and what he will grow up to be and if he will enjoy some of the same things Paul and I enjoyed as children. I even wonder what kind of parent I'd be and how I'd handle certain situations. I pray every day that I don't "screw him up." I see a lot of different situations and parenting techniques year after year being a teacher, so I have a pretty good idea of what/who I want to be as a parent, but I don't have a crystal ball. I don't know how things will pan out. All of these things are so out of our control. I just hope that other soon to be moms worry about the same thing and that it's not just me being crazy.
Last night, I went to a dinner/celebration to honor one of my most favorite teachers growing up and to say good bye to the school that I attended as a child for 9 years. It was only until after I started driving home after this celebration that something occurred to me that I couldn't help but notice. I went to that school for 9 years. I started as a 5 year old babe and left there as a 14 year old, not sure of who I was or where I was going. My family was moving, and even though I was graduating from that school, it was all I had ever known, and my classmates, their parents, and the teachers there were like my family and that school was my second home. Even after all the years of being away from that "family," I realized that being with those people who had such an impact on my life as a child and young adult hadn't felt any different. It was as if no time had passed and, whether it was a classmate I went to school with, a teacher I had for those 9 years, or my elementary school crush, when I saw these people, we did not skip a beat. It was like coming home. It occurred to me on the ride home last night that I had the most incredible school experience, filled with love and kindness that no one can take away from me. The bond that I had with those families and teachers in that school is priceless and, I fear, cannot be matched. I can only hope and pray that my son could have the same school experience that I had growing up, but it's hard to imagine that to be possible...I try to find the words to describe how what a huge part of my life that school community was and still is, but, I don' think thats possible.
It breaks my heart that I won't be able to take my children by the school I went to growing up, that instilled discipline, morals, and values that I will carry through the rest of my life. Sure, the building will always be there, but it will be never be what it was, with the people inside that cared for me so much and that I loved so deeply. The one thing I can do to help the legacy of this amazing school and these amazing people live on is to instill the same discipline and values that they instilled in me, into my children.
As a parent, you want your child to have the best possible school experience-and my parents can say that. I thank God every day that my parents sent me to that school because I would not be who and where I am today. I can just hope that for baby boy, he will have a school experience somewhat like mine, because what I had growing up, cannot be matched or superseded. It was truly once in a lifetime-St. Bart's and its teachers were God's gifts to me-gifts that I have never taken for granted and will hold close to my heart for the rest of my life that I hope I can pass on to my children.
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